Monday, May 11, 2009

The Not-So-Great White Hunter

OK, so, this morning I'm sitting in the living room, quietly enjoying my coffee and saying some prayers, when Declan comes bursting out of his room. This is not unusual, as he almost always exits his room like a bull in a china shop, banging the door into the wall and causing the cat to run for cover. The funny thing is that we can always tell when he's coming because there's a muffled whump, whump, whump as he dashes from his bed. I don't know why  he does this, although my theory is that he's only one fourth awake when his body actually starts moving and he's already in the living room by the time he actually wakes up. 

But this morning was different.

Whump, whump, whump, BANG, *ROWR!*  >(^._.^)<
"Mom, there's a BUG in my room!" he says, rubbing his eyes as his mind tries to swim to full consciousness.
"A bug?" says I, ever the one to quickly grasp the scope of a situation.
"Yes, a BUG!" (Deco's not a big fan of bugs. Especially ones in his room. He prefers bugs to stay outside where they belong.)
So, realizing that this is the moment where I'm supposed to be the Responsible Adult and it wouldn't look very responsible to run screaming into the front yard, I head into his room to find, assassinate, and dispose of the offending bug.
Slowly, I creep through his door, tense and ready to pounce, (or run, if need be) Bug Finding Senses on full alert. I look at the middle of his floor and there. It. IS.
BIG. Probably three inches long. Brown, with weird praying mantis-like arm things sticking out in front. Standing stock still on his floor, waiting to eat my face off.
Slowly, slowly I reach for the nearest flat thing I can see, hoping that that...thing...doesn't decide to scurry at me because I just might lose my bladder. My hand comes upon a section of Hot Wheels track and I grab it, creep toward The Giant Flesh Eating Bug from Hades and
With no concern over the amount of bug guts that will be smooshed into my carpet, I lay into that bug like like there's no tomorrow. My honor was on the line, my children will be kept safe from this monster!
I warily lift the track section, cringing at the imagined carnage, praying that the deed is done and there won't be one of those last ditch dying bug escape attempts.

And I realize that the bug I'd just annihilated was, in fact, plastic. It came from Deco's collection of plastic bugs that he got a couple of years ago, which he is always  trying to scare me with by putting them on my chair or my place at the school table. It's never worked, because the bugs don't look all that real. Unless, of course, you're hyped up on adrenaline and delusions of grandeur.


Now, I will say that there really was  a bug in Declan's room. He was not  trying to scare me this time. After my practice kill, he saw the bug (a COCKROACH! EW! Call the exterminator STAT!) run next to the wall and I was able to locate, assassinate, and dispose of the carcass in an appropriate manner. I think I did it twice as fast as usual because I'd just had that really good bug killing practice!

(P.S. Sorry about the weird formatting of some of the lines. And the yellow words. Blogger is being WEIRD!)


Natalie said...

Hilarious! "Bug killing" falls under Andrew's chores at our house (that and taking out the trash are his specialties), so I don't know what we'll do when we find one during the day when he's at him and make him come home? I'm not ready to be the responsible, bug killing adult. And cockroaches are the worst!!! They are so quick not to mention when you do squish them they are so crunchy on the outside and slimy on the inside...not a good combo to squish.

Flea said...

That is too funny! My boys would have dispatched a bug forthwith, but they grew up in Florida where bugs were common in the house. Yet one more reason we're in Tulsa.

Heather the Mama Duk said...

LOL That is hilarious!